The Young Alumnus just saw himself in the mirror. He's writing this because he's a vain, self-obsessed narcissist who is upset that his "beard" is nothing of the sort—more a matter of hair loosely matted upon his face than a well-defined shock of stubble and grace. He did not mean for that sentence to rhyme: In fact, he's mortified that it does, but he doesn't want to devote any more time to it. He'd rather concentrate on this transitional sentence to get you to the next paragraph wanting more.
Do you want more? The Young Alumnus is wearing a Nordstroms shirt. The Young Alumnus isn't sure if it's Nordstrom or Nordstroms, but he thinks the meaning is the same. Rose by any other name and all that. The shirt is nice, is his point. It's checked. He thinks it might be gingham, but he's not 100 percent sure what gingham is. The shirt is red, maroon maybe. It looks good on his shade of skin. Light olive tends to be his preference when he asks his female friends for concealer on "breakout days," but that's not exactly a box you can check on most ethnicity forms.
The Young Alumnus is wearing Stanford basketball shorts. For comfort.
The Young Alumnus is 28 and lives in Los Angeles with his maybe-gingham shirts. He watches TV when he doesn't know what else to do, and lately he's been watching a lot of TV. His go-to show used to be Arrested Development. Now it's Sex and the City, which is good but also out-of-date, and he doesn't believe for one second that Samantha and Miranda would actually ever be friends. How is there not an episode where Samantha pulls Carrie aside and politely but firmly asks her to stop inviting Miranda everywhere? This episode may in fact exist. The Young Alumnus has not yet seen every episode. He only just finished the Berger saga. He has caught an Aidan episode here or there, and he's seen enough of Big to get the gist. Oh, and the Russian guy? Yeah, that one's a real winner, Carrie. Just goes to show, ladies, that if it seems too good, it probably is.
The Young Alumnus majored in American Studies, which while completely fascinating to him is not a term of art with many people. Explaining American Studies is beginning to seem like his vocation. He is paid in polite nods and smiles.
The Young Alumnus went back to campus after a long hiatus, and he thinks this may be to blame for his reflective mood. He watched the Stanford football team beat Notre Dame from the student section and was pleased that the Axe Committee was using its T-shirt cannon quite liberally, sending free gear into the stands almost constantly. His pleasure was tempered only by the knowledge that this was the last home game, and the Axe Committee members probably just didn't want to lug T-shirts home after the game. The Young Alumnus recognizes Stanford intelligence when he sees it.
The Young Alumnus enjoys Twitter, where he has learned that his celebrity heroes don't know how to use, commas. And yes, he tweeted that joke.
The Young Alumnus misses the Nickelodeon cartoon Doug. He feels that the name of Doug's love interest, Patti Mayonnaise, was a cheap attempt at burger humor. It was well done.
The Young Alumnus is acutely aware that the device of starting each paragraph with "The Young Alumnus" is wearing thin.
The Young Alumnus doesn't care.
The Young Alumnus believes that Girl Talk's All Day album is the best of the last five years, that Before Sunset is a fantastic movie, and that Jim Harbaugh's mantra of "Who's got it better than us? Nobody!" is a terrifically inspiring rallying cry.
The Young Alumnus is proud of being from Stanford and donated to the Buck/Cardinal Club only in part because he wants preferred season tickets should he move to the Bay Area.
The Young Alumnus was, in his first few years after graduation, employed in Hollywood, and not just in the mailroom. And now, as The Young Alumnus goes from meeting to meeting, pitching and networking his way to his next project, he has had time to think about and appreciate his time at Stanford, in Los Angeles and beyond. And to realize that he knows exactly who he is.
The Young Alumnus is a Charlotte.
Spencer Porter, '05, has been a staff writer for Family Guy. He bleeds Cardinal.
