Letters to the Editor

Navigating the Mommy Maze

On reading "The Mommy Maze" (July/August 1997), I realized how fortunate I am to have it both ways. As a professor at a small college and mother of two young girls, I do the balancing act from September to May and then get to play full-time mother for the summer months. This arrangement has taught me that no day at my office compares in stress level or challenge to a day at home.

I applaud you for your feature on the two alumnae, one of whom works "Outside the Home" and one "Inside the Home" (or, perhaps more appropriately, "Inside the Car"). Setting their exhausting schedules side by side revealed most eye-openingly that all women are "working women." It's just that some of us are fortunate enough to earn a paycheck.

Tomi-Ann Roberts, PhD '90
Colorado Springs, Colorado

In two-parent families, both partners must share the trade-offs necessary to balance work and home. My current arrangement with Kristin, '88, is a case in point. Despite obtaining a graduate degree, my position at a nonprofit medical center wasn't as financially rewarding as Kristin's job in software design. In addition, her work was more flexible and less draining than my management responsibilities.

I left my job just prior to the arrival of our son, Owen, last October in order to look after him. I've also assumed responsibility for all the routine errands, grocery shopping, housecleaning and cooking. The novelty of our arrangement is still greeted with some surprise, and though I probably won't be another Sandra Day O'Connor, I anticipate eventually re-
entering the "work force."

Dave Acker, '87
Seattle, Washington

What does Wendy Petersmeyer's typical day look like, two decades after her graduation from Stanford and a decade after she quit work to "raise her family"? To read her schedule, as reproduced in Theresa Johnston's article, is a sobering experience. I have a wonderful house- keeper who never went beyond the ninth grade. Yet I am convinced there is not a single item on Petersmeyer's schedule that my housekeeper couldn't perform with comparable skill and energy. Like Petersmeyer, she has a degree in driver ed and she has not, to my knowledge, ever committed a traffic violation. She is good at selecting fruit at the market; she fixes terrific lunches and snacks; she knows how to give baths, fill out permission slips and make finger paintings. The only item on Petersmeyer's agenda she would want to skip is the 5:30 a.m. fitness workout: Cleaning houses all week keeps her so trim she doesn't need a workout, and besides, she couldn't afford the health club fee.

What signals does the Petersmeyer lifestyle send? Evidently that we are making a mistake admitting as many women as men to the class of 2000. And an even bigger mistake in demanding equal access for women who go on to professional and graduate schools. We must, it seems, resign ourselves to the fact that mommies are people who drive their mindless kids back and forth to schools in which they seem to spend very little time and then to endless soccer and volleyball games.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), this life will not be an option for 90 percent of female undergrads, let alone women in general, who will just have to get out there and earn their livings. Hopefully, they will encourage their children to be learners. In return, the kids might do a turnaround and teach mommy something they've learned--something even more important to the health of an advanced society than carpooling and volleyball.

Marjorie Perloff
Sadie Dernham Patek
Professor of Humanities

Why, why, why is it still a woman's agonizing choice to deal with the conflicts of mothering and careers, while men blithely plow forward, entitled to it all? Every woman cited in your article had a husband on a serious career track, yet nowhere in the discussion was the idea floated that perhaps he might share in both the joys and sacrifices of child rearing. Haven't those days ended?

I owe every shred of my own sense of self to a mother whose vigorous career in no way hampered her mothering skills, and to a father who taught me through his respect for my mother's career that a woman's work was not second class, and worth fighting for. Did my mother's career make his life more complicated? Certainly! It is much more comfortable for most men to have wives waiting at home with dinner on the table. But we owe it to ourselves as women, to our children, and to our culture at large to move forward from this old paradigm, a paradigm most Americans couldn't afford even if they desired it. The crisis in child rearing and child care in this country is not going to disappear because a few privileged women opt out of the work force.

Carey Perloff, '80
San Francisco, California

I was dismayed to read Theresa Johnston's story "The Mommy Maze." It portrays child rearing as primarily, if not entirely, a woman's responsibility. The author presents only two alternatives: getting outside help or having mom stay home. The important option of having dad stay home full or part time is disregarded.

Any mention of the role husbands play in the household is blatantly missing from the article. Ben Lloyd's companion piece, "The Daddy Dilemma," adds insult to injury. Here he manages to paint himself as a martyr for "allowing" his wife to stay home with the kids while he pursues his career. Mr. Lloyd also enjoys the benefits of spare-time fatherhood; his children cherish the moments he has left over to "do stuff" (his words for activities like sports and music) with them. Yet despite all this, he has a dilemma?

Mr. Lloyd is the only parent shown in a cute photo with his children--the women are given childless head shots. The message? Be a working dad and your kids still love you. Meanwhile the text implies that if you are a working mom, your kids might never forgive you.

Lisa Forssell '92, MS '95
San Francisco, California

The ideal arrangement for a two-parent family would seem to be both parents working less than 40 hours so as to more fully enjoy the pleasures of career and family. Such an arrangement would also probably be best for the younger members of the family. Unfortunately, too few employers allow or encourage employees to work less than full time.

Michael Fullerton, '62
Berkeley, California

Because my wife and I feel strongly about being heavily involved in raising our kids, we structured our lives not to be financially dependent upon two full-time incomes.

I still get the sense talking to some people, men and women, that they don't think men should be or can be good with young kids. We can be. And while I'm no child development expert, I think that moms and dads should be the primary care givers and constants in kids' lives. You can't if you delegate the important job of parenting to a nanny.

It's unfortunate that some parents fall back on the crutch of blaming heartless employers for demanding too much of their time. Many employers allow parents to cut back or use flex time but most parents don't take advantage of it.

You can't be a good parent if you're slavishly devoted to your career. Most of us spend about 40 years working. Taking a few years out of the full-time job marketplace to be with your kids should be the best investment you'll ever make for the kids, for yourself and for society at large.

Eric Tyson, MBA '89
San Francisco, California

Macro Movie Mogul

It was great to see a healthy section of Stanford devoted to alumni in the film business ("Independent Streak," July/August). Who knew?

While I am appreciative of the ink, I would like to clarify that my first film, Denise Calls Up, was financed by three investors, not 35. However, my original film producing partnership, Skyline Entertainment Partners, was financed by 35 investors--most of whom were classmates of mine at the Stanford business school.

Also, while the characterization of "mogul" is nice, the modifier "micro" is a little tough. Granted, three of my first six films were made for under $1 million, including films that were in Cannes and Sundance. However, the three other films, Cadillac Ranch, Digging to China and Dinner at Fred's, were made for an average of $2.75 million, which isn't so micro.

J. Todd Harris, '81, MBA '86
Los Angeles, California

Speaking Honestly

I was impressed by your coverage of the five members of the Class of 2000. What Josia Rivers Lamberto-Egan wrote in the July/August issue was very thought provoking, and the fact that you were comfortable printing what he had to say, including his implied criticisms, showed that Stanford's alumni publication doesn't feel compelled to limit its articles to only self-congratulatory ones.

Michael Thompson, MA '77

Josia Rivers Lamberto-Egan's essay sparked my interest. While I am sorry that he discovered that the reality of Stanford fell short of his expectations, I commend him for his honesty and courage in speaking his mind. Many Stanford students and alumni feel pressured to praise our well-renowned school, to perpetuate its "golden," shining image. However, I believe it is just as important--if not more so--to recognize its faults and shortcomings and to point these out to others so that we can collectively work to change them.

Jill Hurley Caugherty, '90
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina

Off Track on Jarrett

Your recent article lauding the efforts of Valerie Jarrett, "Keeping Chicago on Track" (July/August), left me stunned. I am a community organizer for Metro Seniors in Action, a senior citizens' advocacy group that focuses on transit issues in Chicago. Working with many community organizations, we have staunchly opposed the recent actions of the CTA board presided over by Ms. Jarrett.

In order to address the recent budget crisis, the board hired a consulting firm (to the tune of a half-million dollars) instead of working with neighborhoods to increase ridership. The resulting proposal relied exclusively on cuts in service, affecting 10 percent of all transit routes. These cuts affect the disabled, communities of color and the working poor disproportionately. I am deeply saddened to watch a fellow Stanford graduate lead this effort.

Jason Dell, '93
Chicago, Illinois

Serious Sabbatical

Alex Beam's delightfully lighthearted piece about his year as a Knight Fellow (Stanford Today, July/August) may have inadvertently left a misimpression about this professional journalism sabbatical program.

He's right that Knight Fellows pay no tuition, but the Knight program pays the standard auditor's tuition fees for non-credit students on behalf of each fellow. Thus, in 1997-98, the program will pay just over $100,000 in fees to the University.

As Alex says, we give the Knight Fellows nearly total freedom to study how and what they please during their year, and we hope they have a great time doing it. At the same time, we're deadly serious in our desire that they use the opportunity wisely. Our overriding mission is to improve the quality of journalism by letting skilled professionals stand back from their work, stretch their minds, acquire new knowledge, and then go back to even greater success in the field.

It's a shame that more professions don't offer sabbaticals.

James V. Risser
Director, John S. Knight Fellowships

The "Dumb" Panofsky

"The Making of Project M" (May/June 1997) revived pleasant memories of Physics 221 and the diminutive, genial, animated professor who taught us about "monyetic" fields with a lisp. Your statement that "Pief" Panofsky was top of his class at Princeton is, however, at variance with the classroom lore of that period: We believed that Wolfgang and his brother ranked second and first respectively, in their class. Hence Wolfgang was known as the "dumb" Panofsky. It is ironic that he should build an instrument that would reveal additional fundamental particles. He used to say: "The discoverer of a new particle used to get a Nobel prize; now, he should be fined."

Brice Wightman, MS '53, PhD '59
Ottawa, Canada

Another Way to Motherhood

I read "Crossing to Motherhood" (May/ June 1997) with surprise and dismay. Surprise, because the very successful and gratifying option of in vitro fertilization with donor egg was not even mentioned. Dismay, because this means that even an erudite author may not have been offered the option.

As the medical director of the Pacific In Vitro Fertilization Institute in Honolulu, I have seen the joy of other 43-year-old women as they have experienced pregnancy and the birth of their own children. These children are conceived from the husband's sperm and the egg from a carefully screened young donor. The resultant embryo is then replaced into the recipient's (wife's) uterus. These babies belong to the mothers who deliver them, just like babies conceived the conventional way.

"Crossing to Motherhood" is a poignant story, but it misses an important point. There are other options for 43-year-old women besides adoption and child-free living, and readers should not overlook today's advanced reproductive technologies.

Philip I. McNamee, MS '61, MD '62
Honolulu, Hawaii

Jane Stanford's Grandniece

I would like to add several points to your obituary for Sebelle Harden von Hafften, '44 (July/August) and clarify the historical record. Mrs. von Hafften was the granddaughter of Jane Lathrop Stanford's brother, Charles Lathrop. (As Mrs. Stanford's grandniece, Mrs. von Hafften was by marriage also Leland Stanford's grandniece.) In the early 1950s, Sebelle and her sisters turned the Lathrop family home, Alta Vista, back to the University. Built in 1900, the house was razed in 1954. The site now houses the Center for Behavioral Sciences.

Margaret Kimball, '80
Archivist, Stanford University

'Is Nothing Sacred?'

Congratulations and thanks to Norman and Evie Tutorow for discovering who wrote the poem on the marble tablet that marks Leland Stanford Jr.'s original burial site ("Leland's Journal," July/August).

Now, the Stanford Management Co. wants to widen Sand Hill Road, expand the Shopping Center and build a large apartment complex and senior housing project between Sand Hill Road and San Francisquito Creek. Unfortunately, the Leland Stanford Jr. Memorial is in the way. Preliminary plans call for moving the marker to avoid the patio of a senior's apartment.

Hello? Is nothing sacred? For whom is the institution named?

An old Indian burial ground closer to San Francisquito Creek will not be covered with apartments--its 18 acres have been set aside as permanent open space.

Doesn't Leland Jr. deserve at least equal treatment?

Karen Bartholomew, '71
Menlo Park

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