The freshness of jokes in Gaieties can expire as fast as cottage cheese. But it's still fun to see what provoked chuckles in the Big Game crowds of decades past. The comic verities tend to be politics, sexual politics and campus life. Some examples follow.
1947
The show contained a political rally featuring candidates Harry Trueheart and Thomas Dewdrop.
Dewdrop: Trueheart is an idle dreamer
Trueheart: Dewdrop is a dirty schemer
D: I'm the only one that's worthy
T: (to audience) He will make things topsy turvy . . . .
D: Down with highballs
T: Down with cocktails
D: Overalls instead of frocktails
T: Bless the farmer, cheeks of tan
D: I'll fight for the working man
T: No more gripin', no more kickin'
D: We'll have two pots for every chicken
1950
A bodacious young woman named Yo-Yo auditions for Gaieties, even though she is not a student.
Script girl: I'm sorry, Miss, there's no spot in the show for you. We're looking for something a little more intellectual. This is for Stanford students. We're trying to get rid of the vacuum around here.
Assistant: I think she fills it rather well.
Producer: What do you do? What kind of act have you got?
Yo-Yo: Well, I used to be an interpretive dancer . . . But I don't do interpretive dances any more.
Producer: What do you do?
Yo-Yo: Imitations.
Director: Imitations? Of what?
Yo-Yo: People.
[Others react to this quizzically. "People?" "Just people?"]
Producer: What kind of people?
Yo-Yo: Famous interpretive dancers.
1989
In a show laden with material about Stanford housing woes, a student is strapped down to a table with electroshock paraphernalia plugged into him. He awaits interrogation by a residential administrator played by Ricki Guerra, '92. (The character's name evoked Alice Supton, who directed residential education). Bob was played by Bob Glouberman, '90, now a journeyman Hollywood actor.
Ms. Puston: Good afternoon, Bob. As you know this is the first round of R.A. interviews. Just sit back and relax, I'm going to ask you a few questions. Don't worry about all these wires, and please, don't be afraid to be completely honest.
Bob: Great, I've really been looking forward to this.
Puston: So, Bob . . . why do you want to be an RA?
Bob: Well, Ms. Puston, next year will be my junior year, and I'm going unguaranteed, so I really need hous . . .
[Puston pulls switch... hence abbreviated as BZZZZTTT!!!!!!]
Bob: . . . I want to be an educator! An educator and a role model for my fellow students. I feel I have a lot to offer the dorm and especially since I'm 21 now, I figure I can . . . BZZZZTTT!!!!!! . . . drive them up to the city to see the opera!
Puston: Well done, Bob [now ShiskaBob]. Now, when did you decide you wanted to become an RA?
Bob: Well, I was tripping at the last happy hour the Alpha Delts had before they lost their house . . . BZZZZTTT!!!!!! I mean at the "Fire Within" program. I really felt the fire within, and I was moved, really. Let me tell you, there was this awesome frosh-babe about two rows up and I said to myself, "Geez, those frosh RAs sure have the pick of the crop." And I figured, Hey, I could get in on that action. . . . BZZZZTTT!!!!!! BZZZZTTT!!!!!! BZZZZTTT!!!!!!
1993
In The Last Axe Hero, Stanford students lament their workload. "I'm More Stressed Than You" had music by Mike Oristian, '95, and Hugh Kojima, '95, and lyrics by Jonathan Green, '95, Michael Green, '95, and Lolly Ward,'93, MA'94.
Harold: I've got two programs due next week
I'll never make it through
Four problem sets are due today
All: I'm more stressed than you!
Moon: Five hours to read War and Peace
And then write something new
Six meals to cook at Columbae
All: I'm much more stressed than you!
All: Stanford classes are a piece of cake,
But admitting it would be a big mistake
We love to brag about pulling all-nighters
We're tight-wound, crab-ass, fingernail biters . . . .
All: We whine and fret about being bombarded
By the piles of papers we haven't started
Puttin' off work until the last minute
Whining like babies when we have to begin it
You think you got it worse than me
Truth is you prob'ly do
But I won't quit 'til you agree
That I'm more stressed than you!
2002
Sent back in time to become a Stanford freshman, John Hennessy transforms a famous Gilbert and Sullivan patter song. Young Hennessy was played by Greg Worswick, '06, who now performs with the Groundlings improvisation troupe in Los Angeles.
I am the very model of a modern Stanford president.
I've memorized the names of the professors and the residents,
I've had the food at Wilbur and I know the price of froyo there,
My clothes they may not show it, but I am a CS millionaire;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters administrational,
I've tried to make all my classes fun and educational,
And if you are a frat guy, then your views I will not disabuse,
Please remember that my last name is a very special kind of booze.
